Figured I'd switch gears a little bit and address some things that can affect a marriage and a family when there is a death. Back 'in the day' when there was a death it changed the dynamic of a family; for example if the father were to die the oldest son would then have to step up and fill the shoes of his father. He would have to grow up instantly and become a provider for the family.
Children grow up with out a mother/father miss out on that relationship with the other half of the person who helped create them. They can lead lives trying to fill this void, which can lead to substance abuse, and relationship problems in their lives.
Recently I have seen a death demolish an entire family. A daughter comitted suicide and left behind several people trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. Suicide adds another box of issues in of its self when it comes to a death in the family. People stew about why, how they could have prevented it, blame themselves, etc. The marriage can suffer when one mate feels the other isnt grieving as much or as outwardly as the other and resentment can stew and lead to them falling away from eachother. The dynamic of the family is shifted and sibblings try to cope with their sister/brother being gone forever.
Having to deal with something as traumatic as a death in your family can affect your daily life, each person grieves differently and moves on at a different pace. If the family does not deal with it in a healthy manner they will be less likely to heal and live 'normal lives'.
Often people turn to substances to self medicate for the pain they feel from their loss, which can also tear a family apart if its not confronted and dealt with. As well as emotional abuse and substance abuse, physical abuse can occur. A friend told me once she was in a car accident with her sister, and she survived. From that day on her Dad resented and hated her for being the surviving child; for whatever reason. This obviously caused a great strain on the whole family dynamic.
Endless possibilites, how does this make you feel?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Hidden Casualties of War.
This was a recent report last week on CBS Evening News. It was about domestic abuse in military families.
When Spc. Lenny McIntire returned to Fort Lewis, Wash., his wife says he was a changed man.
After his second tour of duty in Iraq with the Army Rangers, she says he wasn't sleeping and he was filled with anger - especially when his infant daughter would cry.
"Any noise that she made just bothered him," Patton said. "He said it reminded him too much of Iraq and the kids that he shot and the screaming - he couldn't take it, being around it."
That anger turned to violence. He pleaded guilty to child abuse after beating three-month old Bella.
Then, a few months later in a drunken rage, threatening her with a gun, he attacked and raped his wife.
"I probably laid there for about an hour and just cried," she said. "I had given up. I didn't care if he came in and killed me, I mean, I was broken."
McIntire was jailed, but for only one night, given extra duty and ordered to sleep in the barracks.
Patton sought help from the chaplain, the Ranger Battalion as well as McIntire's commanding officers - but found no answers.
Couric asked her: "What do you think is the major flaw in the way the U.S. military - at least in your experience - deals with domestic violence?"
Patton: "When a soldier beats his wife, the wife falls through the crack," she said. "They make it very impossible to get through the system and get anything done."
It wasn't until Lenny McIntire threatened his fellow soldiers and went AWOL that the Army decided to press charges. Three weeks ago, he was sentenced to seven years in a military prison.
CBS News spoke to several military family advocates who say the system is broken, under-funded and under-staffed.
One former advocate did not want to be identified for fear of retribution.
"I think the Pentagon needs to step in and start a better training program for their commanders," the former advocate said.
Lynn McCollum is the Army director of Family Affairs.
Couric asked her: "According to conversations with a number of victims' advocates, the Army usually rallies around the soldiers and leaves the victim to fend for herself. And then when she finally does get help, the complaint is the system is entirely stacked against her."
"It's disturbing to hear those kinds of comments. Over the last couple of years, we've really put into place and increased the number of victim advocates," McCollum said. "One of our biggest challenges, because we're a large bureaucracy, is getting information out."
It's not only the victims that aren't getting help, it's also the soldiers. CBS News has learned that in case after case, soldiers returning from Iraq or Afghanistan have raised red flags regarding their mental health problems. But they're often ignored - with devastating consequences.
In a post-deployment health assessment obtained by CBS News, one soldier clearly indicates concerns "for potential conflict with his spouse or family members" and that he might "hurt or lose control with someone."
But nothing was done.
A year later, he killed his wife.
"How can this happen? He put it right there on the questionnaire, and nobody did anything about it. How can that happen if you have all these systems and services in place?" Couric asked.
McCollum didn't answer immediately, instead, getting up to confer with colleagues for an answer.
After discussing the incident with her colleagues, McCollum returned to answer the question.
"Obviously, I think in this situation, a mistake probably was made," McCollum said.
Then there is the case of Sgt. James Pitts.
Thursday, in an exclusive interview he tells CBS News how the military failed to help him - or protect his army wife.
As he told Couric: "I've lost everything."
For the complete video and story you can also view it here.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/28/eveningnews/main4761199.shtml?source=related_story
When Spc. Lenny McIntire returned to Fort Lewis, Wash., his wife says he was a changed man.
After his second tour of duty in Iraq with the Army Rangers, she says he wasn't sleeping and he was filled with anger - especially when his infant daughter would cry.
"Any noise that she made just bothered him," Patton said. "He said it reminded him too much of Iraq and the kids that he shot and the screaming - he couldn't take it, being around it."
That anger turned to violence. He pleaded guilty to child abuse after beating three-month old Bella.
Then, a few months later in a drunken rage, threatening her with a gun, he attacked and raped his wife.
"I probably laid there for about an hour and just cried," she said. "I had given up. I didn't care if he came in and killed me, I mean, I was broken."
McIntire was jailed, but for only one night, given extra duty and ordered to sleep in the barracks.
Patton sought help from the chaplain, the Ranger Battalion as well as McIntire's commanding officers - but found no answers.
Couric asked her: "What do you think is the major flaw in the way the U.S. military - at least in your experience - deals with domestic violence?"
Patton: "When a soldier beats his wife, the wife falls through the crack," she said. "They make it very impossible to get through the system and get anything done."
It wasn't until Lenny McIntire threatened his fellow soldiers and went AWOL that the Army decided to press charges. Three weeks ago, he was sentenced to seven years in a military prison.
CBS News spoke to several military family advocates who say the system is broken, under-funded and under-staffed.
One former advocate did not want to be identified for fear of retribution.
"I think the Pentagon needs to step in and start a better training program for their commanders," the former advocate said.
Lynn McCollum is the Army director of Family Affairs.
Couric asked her: "According to conversations with a number of victims' advocates, the Army usually rallies around the soldiers and leaves the victim to fend for herself. And then when she finally does get help, the complaint is the system is entirely stacked against her."
"It's disturbing to hear those kinds of comments. Over the last couple of years, we've really put into place and increased the number of victim advocates," McCollum said. "One of our biggest challenges, because we're a large bureaucracy, is getting information out."
It's not only the victims that aren't getting help, it's also the soldiers. CBS News has learned that in case after case, soldiers returning from Iraq or Afghanistan have raised red flags regarding their mental health problems. But they're often ignored - with devastating consequences.
In a post-deployment health assessment obtained by CBS News, one soldier clearly indicates concerns "for potential conflict with his spouse or family members" and that he might "hurt or lose control with someone."
But nothing was done.
A year later, he killed his wife.
"How can this happen? He put it right there on the questionnaire, and nobody did anything about it. How can that happen if you have all these systems and services in place?" Couric asked.
McCollum didn't answer immediately, instead, getting up to confer with colleagues for an answer.
After discussing the incident with her colleagues, McCollum returned to answer the question.
"Obviously, I think in this situation, a mistake probably was made," McCollum said.
Then there is the case of Sgt. James Pitts.
Thursday, in an exclusive interview he tells CBS News how the military failed to help him - or protect his army wife.
As he told Couric: "I've lost everything."
For the complete video and story you can also view it here.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/28/eveningnews/main4761199.shtml?source=related_story
Women serving in combat roles?
A bit of a scattered monologue- just writing while i think-My first question related to this topic is- Why... you want to be in a combat role in the first place? Mind you i dont mind the idea of women in combat situations- i would have much preferred it if a woman was drafted in place of my uncle(who i guess was a pretty amazing guy) in the Vietnam war. I might have actually gotten a chance to meet him apart from just hearing the stories of mischief him and my dad would get into when they were kids. The only reason this topic frustrates me is that people(well women in particular) seem to gravitate to the INCORRECT assumption that an AVERAGE women can compare to an AVERAGE man when it comes to anything extremely physically demanding- i.e. they might be able to do it- even do it well- but they will not be able to be as efficient as a man in the same situation if they have both had the same training, knowledge, fitness ect...This is not my opinion.... this is not a theory.... its a biological fact that an AVERAGE man has a higher muscle to fat ratio then an AVERAGE women- this also applies to both extremely fit men and women and non-fit men and women. Why does basic training (unless something has changed in the last month or so) have different personal fitness tests for women and men if they are both capable of the same level of fitness....? For an example... say the level of fitness squat lift for a man is idk 250 lbs.... and for a women its 200 lbs.... if i weigh 185 lbs and am wearing a backpack that weighs 50-65 more lbs would i want there to be a women right next to me that has to try to carry me to safety when i just got kneecapped or a man? Put yourself in that situation and the answer is obvious. I'm not saying a situation like this occurs often- all im saying is that as it is now having all men units reduce the POSSIBILITY of an "accident" that can happen from direct result of someone not measuring up fitness/strength wise in a combat situation. This of course applies to all physically demanding jobs firefighters, policemen, emts, ect... If i was a 400 lb guy in a car accident, I would prefer it if 2 men stepped out of the ambulance to try to lift me onto a stretcher compared to two women. I urge you to remember i am not AGAINST women serving in combat or any of the other jobs i mentioned, it just seems downright irresponsible to allow them too.... unless they take steriods. Ummm... yea i think im probably deep enough now.... Thoughts, opinions, apethetic murmurs, death-threats all accepted.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Effects of War on Marriages and Family
Undoubtedly war adds stress to family life and marriage; it can even cause great conflict for that matter. But where is the line drawn, when families are falling apart after a soldier returns to civilian life, is it a weak marriage, or is it the institution of the military that can be to blame? Did my parents divorce, after my step-dad got back from Iraq, simply because they were not a strong couple after even ten years? Or is society putting the needs of military families and soldiers themselves on the back burner to fend for themselves and ultimately figure out how to survive on their own with issues never experienced before. Consequently divorce is high and suicide rates are unbelievably through the roof and too close to home. So what is the answer; should there be more government support and programs to help those coming back from the battle field, or do we truly live in a society that only cares about number one, me myself and I. If this is true then in the mean time military families will figure out how to deal, right?
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