Figured I'd switch gears a little bit and address some things that can affect a marriage and a family when there is a death. Back 'in the day' when there was a death it changed the dynamic of a family; for example if the father were to die the oldest son would then have to step up and fill the shoes of his father. He would have to grow up instantly and become a provider for the family.
Children grow up with out a mother/father miss out on that relationship with the other half of the person who helped create them. They can lead lives trying to fill this void, which can lead to substance abuse, and relationship problems in their lives.
Recently I have seen a death demolish an entire family. A daughter comitted suicide and left behind several people trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. Suicide adds another box of issues in of its self when it comes to a death in the family. People stew about why, how they could have prevented it, blame themselves, etc. The marriage can suffer when one mate feels the other isnt grieving as much or as outwardly as the other and resentment can stew and lead to them falling away from eachother. The dynamic of the family is shifted and sibblings try to cope with their sister/brother being gone forever.
Having to deal with something as traumatic as a death in your family can affect your daily life, each person grieves differently and moves on at a different pace. If the family does not deal with it in a healthy manner they will be less likely to heal and live 'normal lives'.
Often people turn to substances to self medicate for the pain they feel from their loss, which can also tear a family apart if its not confronted and dealt with. As well as emotional abuse and substance abuse, physical abuse can occur. A friend told me once she was in a car accident with her sister, and she survived. From that day on her Dad resented and hated her for being the surviving child; for whatever reason. This obviously caused a great strain on the whole family dynamic.
Endless possibilites, how does this make you feel?
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I have lost my four grandparents. I was young when they died and so I did not have the view point of an adult and so I did not grieve the same way. I always regret not having enough time to spend with them. But I have lost several pets that were very close to me and their deaths have affected me in a way that I will never forget. Most people don't consider how close a person can really get to a pet but the truth is that losing a pet for some people can completly change a persons life. I personally lost a cat in my freshman year of high school and stayed home to grieve. The next day my friends asked me why I was not at school and then I told them and they were astounded that I was allowed to miss school because my cat died. I felt heartbroken over my cat and I could not believe that they did not understand. When I think about the grief I felt over losing a pet I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a parent, sibling, or friend.
ReplyDeletei also cannot imagine the pain of loosing someone that you love dearly and see everyday. my two grandparents have died on my dads side, i never got to meet my grandpa on my dads side but i cant imagine what it was like for him to have his dad die at such a young age. My grandma dies when i was about eleven and it was a hard thing to go through but again i was a little girl and i didnt grive the same way an adult would. It would be a tough thing to loose these people in my life and i feel bad for anyone who has to go through that.
ReplyDeleteI have seen first hand what a death in a family can do because one of my closest friends lost their sister a few years ago. I think that if anything else this topic shows that you need to cherish the people that you have in your life and in your family. Most problems can be worked out but even if they cant you should always treat the people in your life with respect and make it known that you care.
ReplyDeleteI dont know what I would do if someone in my family died. I like to think that we would not let it tear us apart and start blameing each other but I guess you dont know how you will react untill you are in that situation. I never met my grand father on my moms side he was in WWII and walked the city of Hiroshima after they droped the bomb. After returning to the US he developed leukemia and died at the age of 42. My moms side of the family always talked about what it was like after his death. instead of letting it drive them apart it brought them closer together than before.
ReplyDeleteI have also had a death in my family. It was last year. My 29 year old cousin died in a single person car accident. I think it brought our family close together because we were all going through the same things together.It is hard to lose someone you life but it is part of life. It would be hard to take on the responsibilites of your father if you were the older son.
ReplyDeletei can't even imgaine what my family would go through if one of us died. my family is super close, so i feel like if we were to lose one, EVERYTHING would change. i also like to think that we would support eachother, but our ways of grieving would be so different, it would be almost impossiable to help each other at first.
ReplyDeleteas far as pets go- i understand where Miranda is coming from. i had a cat for thirteen years, i grew up with him, he slept with me every night and greeted us on top of the fridge everytime we came home. when we put him to sleep, my whole family cried. and while we knew it probably seemed dumb to other people, Snowball was definatly part of our family and our home and we had to grieve.
A death in a family is not a great thing. Many people do turn to other things to cope with their feelings. These people are just running from the fact that they just lost a loved one when they need to be with family and friends to help this in their time of need. Also you then do see a different side of someone when they have lost someone. Families can also be torn apart from their greediness. Because people want the money or they want the valuable items which causes many fighting between siblings.
ReplyDeleteI feel that a death in a family can significantly affect the family if the pain of loss is not talked about or handled in the right way. A little over a year ago my best friends dad past away. Because her and her mother are old enough to understand they have been able to openly discuss their feelings about the death but her two younger siblings have been very closed off about what they are feeling. As a result the two younger children still seem to be having a difficult time. The youngest even seems to resent his mother and acts out at here on a daily basis. I feel this is because he has never dealt with the feelings and when his mother tries to talk to him about it he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel that he might have some resentment towards her becuse she is the parent that is still living.
ReplyDeleteI actually have a personal story to share about this subject.
ReplyDeleteMy fiance Travis lost his father almost 5 years ago this June to Diabetes, he was only 47 years old.
Travis being the oldest sibling had to take on the roll of his father and support his mother and brother who is somewhat mildly mentally challenged.
Travis' mother was completely dependent on their Dad and after his death she felt lost and depressed. She never knew how to do what most people take for granted. Paying the bills, putting gas in the car, going to the bank, fixing the house, ect.... All those daily chores that we do everyday his mother depended on their Dad to do and he did them for 20+ years.
Thank god my fiance Travis works where he does because he had to support 4 people on 1 income and when his Mom's car broke down Travis gave her his car that he was still making monthly payments on and we began using my 2-door car as the family vehicle.
Travis' brother now has 2 part time jobs and has taken on some of the responsibility of supporting their mom and paying the bills. It has lessened the burden somewhat for Travis, but he will always be look at as the responsible one that had to take over after Dad died.
It has also been a help since we had our daughter, Travis' mother has backed off a lot in expecting Travis to support her and has now put some of the responsibility onto his brother because she see's now that Travis has his own little family (me & our daughter) to support.
I have had to learn a lot of patience through this whole situation. There have been days when I just had to tell myself that people do what they are taught and Travis has stopped enabling his mother to feel so dependent on him. Travis taught his mother and she can now put her own gas into her car and pay for it.... She is taking baby steps to some independence and learning day by day to live without her husband. :)